What Can I Say?
by Sunshine and Chocolate
Summary: Addison helps Derek forget his worries after a hard day of surgery.


What Can I Say?

Rating: PG

Pairing: Addison/Derek

Spoilers: Post Season Three Finale

Summary: Addison helps Derek forget his worries after a hard day of surgery.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

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_Look to the clock on the wall_

_Hands hardly moving at all_

Derek sighed as he pushed through the door of the scrub room and walked out.

The disinfectant smell of the hospital assaulted his nose as he numbly moved through the corridors toward a bench. His muscles ached and he was tired. He had been standing for so long, all Derek wanted was to sit down.

_Can't stand the state that I'm in_

_Sometimes it feels like the walls closing in_

Yet he knew that as soon as he stopped moving the thoughts would overtake his mind. They would kidnap his body and make him focus on nothing else besides what had gone wrong and where it was he had failed.

That little boy had been so full of life these past couple days. Trevor Abel, it was an extensive, but operable brain tumor that affected his central nervous system.

The boy had been on the verge of being a young man with a love of comic books, and Mickey Mouse. He had been so optimistic and energetic it had rubbed off on the dark haired doctor.

It was an operable tumor but it was not an easy operation and it had not gone at all how he had planned it going.

_O lord what can I say_

_I am so sad since you went away_

_Time, time ticking on me_

_Alone is the last place I wanted to be_

_Lord what can I say_

Derek was not one to usually get so emotional about his cases.

He had had to condition himself to become detached from the tragedy all around him for so many years. He cared but at the end of the day if he mourned all of his patients like he was right now, Derek would never get make it.

He ran a frustrated hand through his hair as he looked to his right. The moment his eyes met Meredith's, he regretted the action.

Needless to say that since they had broken up things had not been the greatest between them.

Since the wedding things had been different at least to him they were. She seemed to think that he was still going to warm her bed at night and put up with her issues during the day.

But as Meredith had said, it was over. It was so over.

This moment seemed no different to her.

Meredith apparently was under the impression that when "McDreamy" got a little down in the mouth, she could fix it. That it was still something she was allowed to do or even think about attempting. He felt his chest tighten as he watched her start to move along the hall closer and closer toward him.

He silently begged for his body to get up and move as far away from there as fast as he could. Then he got a reprieve from the almost inevitably awkward situation with Meredith.

Derek felt someone shove his shoulder a little to gain his attention and when he looked up he saw that beautiful auburn hair and those icy blue eyes.

Thank God.

"First round is on me." Addison said as she turned and walked away without a glance back at him. He followed immediately and left Meredith standing there watching as they left together.

_Try to bury my troubles away_

_Drowns my sorrows the same way_

Hours later Derek slammed the glass down on the round top table as the bar got louder and louder.

Addison had chosen a place that was near the hospital but that was not the usual hang out for hospital employees. It was something he was glad for because he did not want to be with anyone from work right now. The last thing he needed was for someone he worked with to see him like this.

Not anyone besides Addison that is.

Derek had been sitting there all night with the woman who held the title of his ex-wife. He had always known that she was amazing. Her spirit, her humor, her strength, her conviction, it was all part of what he was first attracted to.

No one was like Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd.

But that was no longer her name. It must be the alcohol, he reasoned. It was his fault it was not what people knew her as any longer but it was a part of the past that he could not erase or take back or even forget. Though there are parts that he would like to forget.

_Seems that no matter how hard I try_

_It feel like something's just missing inside_

The truth was that he had just gotten distracted. He had gotten distracted by work, by Mark, by Meredith. Derek had gotten caught up in his trailer, in pushing Burke's buttons, in being McDreamy. Hell, even Doc had drawn his attention away from his wife.

It was his fault and there was nothing he could do to change that.

All around him life was falling apart. Bailey had lost Chief Resident to Callie even though they were both deserving of the honor. George had failed his intern exams. Burke had left Christina in a mess of emotions she was not ready to handle and Meredith was the only one to pick up those pieces.

Meredith had dumped him and he had finally opened his eyes to the real world. Realized that the one thing he wanted was the one thing he let go of so willingly.

Yep… this was all the alcohol. He hoped so at least.

_O lord what can I say_

_I am so sad since you went away_

_Time, time ticking on me_

_Alone is the last place I wanted to be_

_Lord what can I say_

"Sooo, I think, uh, I think that I am a little drunk." Addison slurred out as she placed her shot glass next to his and stared him in the face.

It was not what she said or how she said it but all of a sudden he burst out in a fit of laughter. Addison quickly followed him as the hysterics continued on for no reason.

"Do… you—do you… think that… uh…Rich—Richard will be…" Derek breathed in as he tried to talk through his laughter, "that he will be mad at us for being so drunk tomorrow."

"We won't be drunk in the—the morning. We will be hung overrr…" Addison replied as she placed a hand on his forearm and tilted her body over his that put their faces inches apart.

For some reason the action sobered Derek, and the grin fell from his face.

_How many rules can I break_

_How many lies can I make_

_How many roads can I turn_

_To find me a place where the bridge doesn't burn_

He sighed again as he ran a hand through his hair. Addison did not move any and Derek looked down at the table.

"Do you think… you could ever forgive me?" He whispered.

Addison took notice of his mood change and met it with her own serious tone. She cocked one perfect eyebrow his way as a frown graced her lips. She still never moved and he smiled on the inside at her proximity.

"Forgive you?" She repeated, "For what?"

"For everything I did—" He broke off at that point as an unusual tightness clenched his throat and tears stung the corners of his eyes.

"I mean for—for how I have treated you. I hope you can believe me when I say…" Derek looked deeply into her eyes. "I never meant to hurt you."

She smiled softly. It was a light smile. Addison was letting go of the hurt he had inflicted. He did not have to hear the words because he knew that smile. It came after almost every fight they had ever had. He could remember the first time he ever saw it. That same smile he had received after he had left a red sock in with their white laundry. It had ruined almost all of her clothes then she smiled at him.

Addison laid her hand in his hand and they laced their finger together as their smiles only increased.

Derek had no idea what the future held for he or Addison or if there might still be an Addison and Derek. But he knew that for once they were really letting go of the hurt, pain and heartbreak. They knew the future had a little shine for them.

He realized in that moment, that it wasn't the alcohol that had made him relax and forget the operation.

It was Addison.

They smiled once more.

_O lord what can I say_

_I am so sad since you went away_

_Time, time ticking on me_

_Alone is the last place I wanted to be_

_Lord what can I say_

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__End.

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